The Selfish Prayer

At this time

there isn’t much that’s needed

but much that is almost needed

and stress that leads the way.

Boots, where will they come from?

His headphones are almost broken.

No more money for food until next month.

Bus fare.

Gas?

Rent.

Today we have a home. Today I read books and cards and posts on Social Media that tell me to “be grateful”

and I am.

But, what about the future. What if what I’m grateful for today

doesn’t last.

What if we don’t pull it together? If “God” doesn’t bless us? If all of my worrying doesn’t pay off and neither does the prayer or affirmation, which some say is the same thing?

What if what I’m doing really isn’t enough and what if who I am really isn’t enough to be

cared for?

Loved.

Unconditionally.

Because, to me, unconditional love looks like a full fridge and house to put it in and healthy family and friends and the means to produce anything and everything that my heart sees and says, “Go.” to.

What if this is the last of it?

What if I can’t figure this out?

The books and the cards and posts say, “relax” and it will come. My mother and father say, “work harder, it will come.” My coffee drunk kidneys say, “relax, please, we’re so tired.” My bank account says $0.00

I am a soft woman. A tough woman. I call out to my ancestors in EVERY way that I can THINK of and just ask, “please, tell me that I’m on track.”

I know why you put me here. I will break it, I will break it all and I will build something better. You’ve chosen the right one, I am soft enough, tough enough, but please, I need you to just reach out and touch me.

I speak louder when I’m angry, louder still when I feel alone. I will break it. I will speak loudly when I am called to and move with the softness of water that trickles into and floods systems who’s structure must be re-organized from within.

I will break it all and I will introduce something new. Something better. An alternative. The new internet. The new energy source. The new currency. I’ll do it…

but for now

please

just tell me that money is not a selfish prayer.

 

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