“Do we come to this life with dreams? The kind in mind or in sleep? Do we arrive with fears in our bones or do we come empty, like paper ready to be filled with stories and knowings and don’t-knows? Or with sentences glued to our throats? Maybe the reason to grow is really the reason we fold. Questions need answers or maybe they don’t?” – Charlotte ??/??/2017
My daughter found this page today that I know I wrote sometime last winter. As we come into winter once again I feel like I am being pulled through a strainer, painfully leaving behind all the bits of me that I don’t need, headed toward something new that I can’t even comprehend… but I do get glimpses of it. I’ve been feeling more lately, all my senses have deepened. I spend more and more of my time in the perspective where this person I’ve known as “Charlotte” doesn’t even exist. All of the things I could tell you about myself years ago is gone there and not because it isn’t true but because I am so far beyond it that I can’t be defined. I don’t know how to explain any of this. I feel like I am at a constant loss for words and the depression of isolation is tugging on me. Gently, but it pulls and then it lifts when I find myself again, and again, and again, so many times that I am beginning to know who I actually am. Beyond Charlotte, I still exist. Yesterday they said, “Let go. Are you ready to be a passenger?” And I realized that’s all I’ve ever been. Charlotte is an illusion, my control rests where I am at rest and my power is absolute. I have been asking permission to choose, asking some entity I’ve designed, outside of myself who exists only as much as “Charlotte” does. From this new and ancient space I see that both are illusions and I am the only authority. I am saddened to know that this might not reach ears who can hear it or eyes that can I read it but I pray to be connected with the people who are also living from this space. I know that my energy is elevating as one and that we are all together in this. I know that my dreams are becoming reality. I know that reality is mine to create and that the ride is mine to enjoy. I know a lot sometimes, I know it all when I’m there but then I fall back down here, into Charlotte, asking questions, under the illusion that I do not hold the answer and the question both. Praying to something outside of myself and trying to understand how all of the pieces fit together. Gathering the courage to let go more and more and more and release my illusion into the truth of who I am, who we are.
When I’m Charlotte I think that there is a benefit to my limitation, my fear and my lack and that is my signal to come home to the expanded space that is my true essence, source. I’m falling for the illusion less and less, I’m waking up in my dream and experiencing myself as the dreamer. It’s a wild ride.
How can I be that expanded source perspective and Charlotte? How can I draw it down? I know that the answer to all of my questions is the same: relax. Relax means trust and let go.
I’m praying to all the pieces of me, to source, to self, please allow me to be free, fearless, strong and aware. I am praying for integration.